From my Hart: One Month

It has been one month since that terrible day. My breath catches just at the thought. In one aspect, things feel almost normal, but it’s as if I’ve forgotten to do something. There is a lingering that surrounds me always now, and that is the absence of Gigi.

One month…We’ve had our traditions and holiday gatherings. Tears have been shed, and new memories made.

A friend of mine said to me that this wave of sadness that ebbs and flows over me, will be forever.

Forever: That’s my problem. I like to give myself deadlines. Just get through the services. Next: Christmas Eve Eve. Then: Christmas Day. Then the new year came, and I laid awake in bed stricken by the thought of moving on and leaving her in the year behind me.

This is forever. She is never coming back.

Months will turn into years, and years into decades. There will be a time in my life that I will have lived longer without her than with her. I just don’t know how that’s possible.

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***

I never realized how co-dependent I was on Gigi. I was born into this world with her by my side and never imagined it would be any different. Good times and bad, she was who I would call, text, or run to. We talked almost daily, knew everything about each other’s lives, and she was the only person I would still talk on the phone to while on the toilet- imagine that. Now, I reach for my phone and in a split second remember… forever.

Things just seem off now. Our new normal has shifted, and we’ve all got some adjusting to do.

In a positive light, our family is closer- if that was even possible. We say “I love you” even more and hug a little longer. I’ve noticed some of us just doing things- not waiting around anymore. Life is too short- we’ve learned that the hard way.

As I’ve said before, if we can carry on her legacy in any way, it would be by saying what you want to say, by loving those who you love, taking the risk, going after your dreams and hugging your family and friends. Gigi would want us to enjoy each day of our new normal, and know that she is watching over us, that she is with each of us and that she is loving us right back.

She is still the most bubbly, and wonderfully selfless person I know. I still have my conversations with her, they are just different now. I still try my hardest to laugh as often as possible, and to dance like a fool whenever the music moves me.

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***

I have this memory of us, we were little, maybe 6… maybe 10. We are in the “pool house,” as we call it, for a family function one summer, and the disco ball is on. I can hear the glissando as the song opens.

We were spinning each other around, belting the song out as loud as we could.

“You can dance… you can jive…” pointing aggressively at each other as we jump around.

“Having the time of your life!”

I always thought we would reenact this at our respective weddings. Now, I’d give anything for this mental video to be hidden in someone’s VHS collection. It’s one of my fondest memories. I know now she’s aggressively pointing at me from heaven every time the song comes on.

***

This post is a little all over the place, but that is exactly how my mind is now when I try and think about her and the past month. I wrote this post as a conscious stream of though- just writing unfiltered as the thoughts come.

I’m taking it day by day, allowing myself to feel the emotions, and not bottle them inside.

This is real, this is a process & this is forever.

2 thoughts on “From my Hart: One Month”

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