I try so hard to keep things real with y’all; I want to be genuine. I post love and light and try to always keep a positive spin on things.
However, I don’t want y’all to think that this is an easy thing for me to do- don’t get me wrong, it’s not something I struggle with daily. This past week however, I had one panic attack after another. I was barely functioning, all over renting an apartment.
Yep- how silly is that. I mean really, in hindsight, that’s so dumb. In the moment I was even shocked at myself for having such a strong emotional and physical response to it. I did, honestly.
What caused this?
As you know, my boyfriend and I have been house hunting. We found “the one” (read here) and since then, nothing else has worked out or made us feel as good. Since then, we’ve had some heart-to-hearts and I ended up putting pressure on myself to get us into our own place as quickly as possible.
We took another tour of an apartment complex we had looked at the year prior, and found a pretty good apartment, and would need to move into it on Sunday.
Side note: I have never been a fan of renting, I’ll be honest. However, if that’s what we have to do for a year, then I’m willing to do it for my relationship.
Now, between the promptness of the move, the fact that I’m uncomfortable with renting, not to mention that we weren’t in love with the apartment & I was worrying about opinions of people who don’t matter… I had pushed myself over the edge.
I felt so consumed with this dread and worry that I was now standing in the way of my relationship growing, I was losing control. I mean, chest pains, couldn’t breathe losing control.
Now for some love and light
My boyfriend came home on Thursday- as I laid there trying to control my breathing and heart rate- he spoke to me with kindness, as he always does, and simply says: Let’s take a break until August.
Whew y’all the relief was instant. Then I started to think again and got myself worked up. I didn’t want to stand in the way of his happiness or our growth. He assured me my feelings were valid, and if something came up in the meantime, and we both agreed, then we’d move on it.
What have I learned
We all need support- our feelings are valid. Our obstacles are vast and effects each one of us differently. I hope to be support for you, and hope you find someone (friend, significant other, cousin, etc) who can be there for you as well.
Sometimes, we let little things become big things, and cause ourselves undue stress. We need to be aware, and able to talk ourselves down. Since my conversation with my boyfriend, I certainly do feel the anxiety coming on again still. However, now I am able to see it, and conquer it.
His words were reassurance to me, but they did not give me the permission to relieve myself from the anxiety. I have full control over that and I am the only one who can truly pull myself out.
You may not suffer from the same kind of anxiety as me, but I know we all have bits of ourselves that could be worked on. I hope, that by being honest with you, we all can be there for one another, learn some things, and encourage one another.
Enjoy your weekend & thanks for stopping by!