I awoke at 5 a.m. on Monday morning from the most vivid of dreams.
It’s not fair, I don’t want to relive this, and I hate that it’s still with me. I thought to myself.
It’s been three wonderful years since Three’s a Crowd, and I’d love to report to you that it’s been three blissful years without reminders, or nightmares like the one I had the other morning; but I can’t.
After one of my first nightmares, I reached out to my cousin, who truly understands what I went through. I was so panicked that I had had this dream- how could that be, I’ve moved on, what’s wrong with me?
She assured me that nothing was wrong with me, and that unfortunately, this was to be expected. It’s not as simple as just walking away after closing a door and never returning.
As I sat there Monday morning, I felt haunted. I wanted nothing more than to erase completely this part of my past. I’d love to keep the lessons learned, but not the act itself.
I hate that I can be shook three years later. I’m stubborn and hard headed, and want to just keep walking around better off and not be effected negatively from it all.
What caused the dream?
This is something I became fixated on, so that I could avoid, if at all possible, ever having this encounter again. Not possible friends.
It could have been that while searching for a contact in my phone I stumbled upon his brother’s number and thought for a moment on his adorable kids & wondered how they were doing now.
It could have been that I was talking through the grief process and forgiveness with someone who is going through something eerily similar.
It could have been that someone asked me how I got so good at finding information.
It could have been a million different things I wasn’t even aware of- but… that doesn’t matter!
The bottom line is, in the moment, I was giving this dream too much power.
Yes- it was a shock at 5 a.m. and caught me completely off guard. Yes I went through some stuff in life, & thank God I did. Yes I’m so much more happy now. But dang it that burned three years ago, and still burns today and that’s okay to admit.
I am so frustrated with myself. I mean really, I write this to try and help others because I’m sure there are people who can relate on some level. You work so hard to get yourself out of a hole and then… boop- something tilts you back or knocks you completely back in.
I took the morning to get myself out of the “shook” state. Writing helps me process things, so thank you so much for providing me that outlet. I made the choice not to give in and think on the thoughts, and I certainly wasn’t going to allow one dream to ruin my day.
These little random, out of the blue hiccups are meant to derail you. Do not give them that power. We’ve all been through some things in our life. It is your life though, your choice, you have the power to think on things, to respond to things, to let things effect you in a certain way.
Grab that power deep down inside of you and rise above it. I know you can do it, no matter what has happened in your past!
Take a hint from my dream… the last thing I remember was me parading through a hotel singing “You don’t own me” with him trailing behind. It’s pretty bazaar… and did not coordinate with any other part of my dream, but it’s pretty powerful in terms of dream analysis.
“You don’t own me.” Your past doesn’t own you now. A crappy experience doesn’t own you. A bad person doesn’t own you. Bad decisions don’t own you. You own you!