From my Hart: A loss update

Hey all, I started talking to my cousin- who now has her own permanent shrine of sorts up on my wall, and I got the urge to write, so here we go.

It’s been seven months since we lost Gigi.

Overall I’d say I’m doing alright. I try not to think about the time since her death; the days, weeks and months that have passed. I try very hard to just live right here for right now, and not image how long it’s been since we’ve talked, or that I’ve seen her. I certainly don’t allow myself to think of the years I have ahead of myself without her, because that just causes me to break down instantly.

So, here I find myself. Talking yet again to a picture on a wall, trying so hard not to crumble. I’m in the balancing act of what I like to call: keepin on while properly mourning.

I know for a fact, that if I just push it all down, I will come to this point where I physically cannot handle the built up grief anymore. I’m not going to let that happen, so I cry when I feel the tears come and I reminisce daily.

I’m also at the point when I think about future life events (ie. wedding, moving, etc) that all I see is the glaringly obvious absence of Gigi. So I quickly try to shift my thinking; to not think about the sadness of that, but the happiness that she’ll be there in spirit, and on time for once. 😉

I lean on family and friends when the sadness is just too much. I talk to her ALL the time. I go through anger and frustration. I wasn’t ready. I wanted more time. I needed her here longer.

I’m not mad at God, I know that man knows what He’s doing. I’m just mad this is where I stand. In this crummy limbo of missing her and having to keep on.

So I throw my head back and make weird noises like she did, I squeal & hug people so hard they can’t breathe. I try and do my thing, keep rockin’ it and hold my head high. I’m determined to keep living life in her memory and enjoying every moment.

I miss you Gigi

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