It’s been one year, and I wish I could report that I’m doing alright. I am overall; it’s been a whirlwind year and so many wonderful blessings have happened, but when it comes to you… I’m unfortunately still in such denial.
I’ve realized over the past few days, that I can’t allow myself to sink into the utter realization of how permeate your death is. Why just on Sunday, as you know, Mom asked me to go to a private service to light a candle for you, and I couldn’t even say no. I just kept shaking my head, hoping the word would come out before the tears.
It really is a poor coping mechanism, I’m fully aware; and I’ll be sure to chat to my therapist about it on our next visit… don’t you worry.
I’m just pissed. You should have gotten our save the date; hell- I should have been able to hear your screams of excitement all the way from the lake when he proposed. You should be down the hall in the guest room. You should, you should, you should, for so many things this year.
And you were. I hear your voice so vividly. I see your signs. I just, don’t like that this is it now. One year later and this is our new normal; our new way of communicating.
So forgive me for not being Miss Positive right now, because this sucks and I need to let myself wallow. I miss you.
And as dumb as it may sound, I feel like I’ve lost you all over again. The anniversary of your passing makes its permanent. You won’t call me, or walk thought that door, like I’ve been lying to myself that you would one day. This really has happened.
You were just driving down the road, and in the blink of an eye you were standing there in front of Jesus. That quickly. That permanently.
Here I am, sobbing over Old Bay sausages, attempting to cook dinner and trying to let myself process this. Usually turning to you in times like this, but learning as I have over the year- that I need to keep keeping on.
You’re hands down my best friend. My partner in crime. The sister God knew our Moms wouldn’t be able to handle so he made us cousins haha. Just listening to your voicemail cheers me right up.
I love you. I miss you. I know I’ll see you again, it’s just adjusting to this in between that’s yucky for now. Thank you for incredible memories for 25 years.